


Limits of Imagination

by UselessLilium (o0whitelily0o)



Series: Kazumi Onimaru Appreciation Project [7]
Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Recovery, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 18:18:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13195851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0whitelily0o/pseuds/UselessLilium
Summary: Kazumi knows there's only so long you can focus on the past and present. At some point, he'll have to think about the future.





	Limits of Imagination

It was the first nice day out in a while. Winter had passed its lowest point, and now Kazumi found the chill from walking outside energizing instead of unpleasant. It helped that there wasn’t much of a breeze, and the sun beamed down uninterrupted by clouds.

By now, walking Kazuma home had become a routine. They might not be able to meet for long every day, but this much Kazumi refused to give up. Besides, it wasn’t hard to exaggerate his class schedule, and as long as he continued to perform well on his exams, there was no reason for anyone to be concerned.

“-and Kumi’s already planning her recruitment strategy for next semester,” Kazuma said, with a sigh that mostly just sounded like affectation, “She’s been talking about how the Vanguard club is gonna have dozens of members as long as Shindou and I are the bait.” He rolled his eyes, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I keep telling her we’re just gonna scare ‘em off. Can’t imagine there’s gonna be many freshman confident enough to fight national-level players.”

“You never know, some people like a challenge,” Kazumi said, smiling a little, “And even if they are just starting out, it can be fun to teach new players.”

“Well, of course  _ you’d  _ think that. You’re actually good at it.”

“Have you tried before? You might turn out to have a knack for it too.”

Kazuma hummed, kicking at some stubborn chunks of snow still unmelted on the walkway. “I dunno. I’m still not actually sure if I’ll join.”

Kazumi tilted his head, to get a better look at Kazuma. “Why not?”

“Well... I mean, there’s only so much time after school, right?” He glanced up at Kazumi quickly when he said that, before dropping his eyes back down to the path. “Not sure if that’s how I want to use it, that’s all.”

“...Maa-kun,” Kazumi stopped walking, and put a hand on his shoulder to still him too, “If it’s something you want to do, you should. I can always make time for you, whatever your schedule is like.”

Kazuma stared at him, one eyebrow slightly raised.

“Well, alright, maybe not ‘always’,” Kazumi conceded, with a grimace, “But I mean it, we’ve been able to work around my schedule, we can adjust to yours too.” He relaxed back into a smile, and because there wasn’t anyone else around, pet Kazuma’s hair gently. “Please don’t hold back on my account.”

His little brother huffed a bit, and smoothed his hair back down when he finished. “I still didn’t say I wanted to join...” But he seemed more thoughtful than dismissive, which was a good enough sign to Kazumi.

A comfortable silence settled between them as they continued on their way. The walkway along the river was nearly deserted in either direction, the quiet was only broken by distant footsteps and the occasional car passing on the street overlooking the walkway. Even with the weather improving, it still wasn’t really warm enough out for most people to enjoy this kind of place, but Kazumi had gotten attached to it enough that the weather didn’t make a difference. 

Passing the bench and duel table they’d gotten used to playing at over the summer, a swell of affection rose in him, and Kazumi said, without fully intending to, “You know, I had a dream like this once.”

Kazuma blinked. “Huh? Like what?”

“Like, well... all of this, I suppose.” He waved a hand vaguely out in front of them. “It was a couple of years ago, but it was... very vivid. I remember it pretty clearly.”

“...What happened?”

Kazumi felt a bit guilty at the caution in his voice. “Nothing very exciting, I’m afraid. It was just the two of us, walking together and talking. You were smiling, and I wasn’t... I wasn’t worried about anything.” He smiled, letting that memory of peace linger, “In fact, I couldn’t remember ever being worried, or even having a reason to. It was nice.”

“Huh...”

Kazumi shrugged. He supposed that kind of quiet reaction made sense. “I know it sounds a little boring, but... the reason it stuck was how real it felt. Not like I was dreaming at all.” He felt his voice getting softer, his eyes going out of focus just a bit. “It felt like... like, that was my life. My real life, and everything else was just a nightmare I couldn’t quite remember.” Then, suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his hand. He winced a little, looking down to see Kazuma jabbing his thumb nail into it.

“There,” Kazuma said, watching him closely, “Does that feel real enough?”

Kazumi stared back, until understanding sank in and he laughed a little. “Yes, thank you. I wasn’t worried about that, though.”

“Really?”

“...Well, not much.”

“Then good thing I stopped it quick,” Kazuma said, in a tone that wouldn’t be argued with, before shoving his hands back into his coat. Then, after a few seconds, he added, “But I know what you mean. I had one kind of like that too.”

Kazumi blinked. “You did?”

He nodded, and gave a quick one-shoulder shrug. “It wasn’t exactly the same, though. We were playing Vanguard together out on the back porch. Not like a memory, though; we were grown-up and all that. And I won our game, and in the dream it wasn’t even the first time, and you smiled and said- you know, some other stuff.” He pulled up his jacket collar in a futile attempt to hide how pink he was getting. “But, yeah. It felt that same way. Real, and... nice.” A pause, and then, a little too casual, “Until I woke up, anyway.”

An apology surged behind Kazumi’s lips, but he kept it locked behind a steady smile. He put an arm around Kazuma’s shoulders instead, squeezing a little.

“I know,” he said simply, “That part was awful for me too.”

Kazuma’s steps slowed a little, and Kazumi made sure to match his pace. He looked distracted, though he didn’t try to pull away from Kazumi’s hold. When he finally opened his mouth, he kept his eyes down as he said, “That... might have been it, actually. What got me moving again. Or part of it, anyway.” He crossed his arms, leaning against Kazumi. “I just couldn’t stand it. Thinking that I still really wanted all that, despite everything. But whenever I thought about it, it just hit me all over again that I did, and that I missed you, so I’d get angry at myself all over again and...” He let out a long sigh, breath fogging just slightly. “Until I got so sick of it, I just picked up my deck again so I could at least be angry at something else. Anything else.”

Kazumi listened to all this, patiently, letting the words settle and giving Kazuma another gentle squeeze.  “I’m glad,” he finally said, “If being angry helped keep you going, then I’m glad you were.”

His mouth quirked up into a smirk. “Well, it did beat moping, at least.” But it was brief, and Kazuma pressed his cheek against Kazumi’s shoulder for a few seconds before asking, “So how about you? If you still remember it, it must’ve felt important.”

“Ah... well, it wasn’t anything that pivotal. Mostly I just felt guilty.” Kazumi hummed, not sure how to explain exactly the way the dream seeped into him. How he always knew he missed Kazuma, but thought that he’d at least gotten past  _ needing  _ him, and the forced realization that the only real change was he’d grown numb to that need. Not without putting undue pressure on him. Finally he shook his head, and said, “And it’s like you said... having something I wanted that badly thrown at me made it all the harder to ignore. Especially when I knew - well, ‘knew’ - that I’d just hurt you even more if I tried to make it real.”

His brother looked at him carefully, and Kazumi felt a flare of anxiety that he might push further on it. But fortunately, Kazuma showed mercy, and let the subject drop with, “Good thing being wrong is something else you’re great at.”

Kazumi chuckled, and nodded. “Yes, a very good thing.”

They stood there like that for a few more seconds, quietly appreciating the warmth between them, until a particularly strong gust of wind hit and Kazuma shivered in spite of the semi-hug. “Okay, I give up. It’s getting too cold to stand around here like this,” he said, pulling away from Kazumi easily enough, and heading for the stairs back up to the main street, “Isn’t there a cafe or something around here? Let’s hurry and find it.”

“Alright,” Kazumi said, still smiling as he followed after him. but just before the steps, he paused. It would be better to talk about this now, right? Rather than waiting until they were around a bunch of people. “Actually, Maa-kun, there was another reason I brought that up.” Kazuma paused a little further up, looking down at him with an eyebrow raised. “There’s something I’d like to ask you.”

Now he stopped completely, turning and leaning against the rail. “Go ahead?”

Kazumi took a breath. He’d worked on how to say this, but suddenly it was hard to remember the order of everything. “Now, I want you to understand, it’s not something I expect you to answer right away,” he cautioned, “You can take as long as you’d like to think about it.” Frowning a little, he pushed some loose bangs behind his ear, and muttered, “Honestly, I’m not sure when I’ll even be able to pull this off-”

“Okay, I get it, so just ask.” He crossed his arms, breath fogging more clearly now. “It’s not getting warmer.”

“Right. Well.” Kazumi took a breath and looked back up at Kazuma. “Would you be interested at all in living together?”

Kazuma blinked.

“Not - not at the Onimaru house. I know you don’t want to go back. I mean, just the two of us.” Kazumi tried not to fidget. If he seemed nervous, Kazuma might feel pressured. “I know you’ve said you’re fine living with your mother right now,” for a certain value of ‘fine’, anyway, “But... I’ve been thinking about it, a lot. What kind of future I want. And... always sneaking around like this, or making you deal with those people, or even having to think about them...” The words were all coming out in a rush now, and he had to pause and regain control. “I don’t want that. Any of it. So I’m... I’m going to leave.”

Despite how often he’d thought it, that was the first time Kazumi had actually put the idea into words. He’d thought it might be a relief to say, to actually hear himself declare it openly. Instead, he mostly felt lightheaded. Breathlessly, he repeated, “I’m going to leave the Onimaru family.” He was shaking. He tried to stand straight, to hold himself together, but it just got worse. He wanted to cry. He wanted to be sick. He didn’t know _what_ he wanted, so he tried to just at least be still.

Kazuma hurried back down the steps, putting his hands on Kazumi’s shoulders. “Hey, look at me,” he said, firm and steady. Kazumi did as he was asked - Kazuma was still a step above the ground, at eye-level with him. “Are you serious?” Kazumi nodded, not trusting himself with speech. His brother beamed. “That’s huge! I’m... is it bad that I hoped you were gonna?”

That brought his smile back. A little, anyway. “Not at all." His own voice still sounded distant to him, but he tried to focus on it. To ground himself. "Though I’m afraid it’s not going to be as easy as just saying it.”

“Doesn’t matter. You can do it.”

The complete belief in Kazuma’s face brought relief when the words couldn’t. Kazumi nodded, and reached up to squeeze one of Kazuma’s hands in his own. Letting out a long, shaky breath, he finally started feeling steady again. “Still, I just want you to know, you can take your time and think about it. There’s no rush. And that I will understand if you say no.” He shook his head, at the situation more than anything. “I know it’d be a little strange, at our ages. And I don’t... really know for sure how the family will take this.”

Best case scenario, they’d treat him as a nonentity, the same as Kazuma. A complete severing of ties. Worst case... they wouldn’t take him leaving as an option. And, he thought, squeezing Kazuma’s hand tighter, the blame always went back to his brother, whenever he did something they didn’t approve of.

It looked like Kazuma didn’t need to be told. His delight at the news sobered with understanding. But that understanding didn’t lead to even a moment of wavering. “Guess I shouldn’t say ‘don’t worry about that’, but... don’t worry too much, okay? Whatever they try to pull, we can figure a way around it together.” And he smiled, looking Kazumi in the eye. “It’s not just us anymore, either.”

...

If Kazumi was honest, that part hadn’t really occurred to him. Everyone he’d met recently were really just Kazuma’s friends, rather than his own. With that kind of tenuous connection, asking them for help was impossible. But... Ibuki had offered support after the U20, even giving him his phone number. Chrono usually made sure to talk to him one-on-one when he stopped by the shop with Kazuma. Verno, too, had been messaging and calling him more often, as if the two of them could fill the gap Miguel left by getting closer.

Though even if they were his friends too, he still didn’t want to impose on them. If there was any way he could handle his family problems without dragging anyone else into it, he would. 

But... thinking that, if he did ask, they might be willing to help... it was nice. Reassuring.

He smiled back at Kazuma. “You’re right.”

Grinning now, Kazuma let go of him and pivoted in one quick move, and started back up the stairs. “So if that’s the plan, I guess I should start looking for a part-time job, huh?”

It took a moment for the question to sink in. “Eh-?”

“I hope you know any place that’ll rent to two students is probably gonna be tiny. We’ll probably be lucky to find a place with enough room to turn around in...”

“I- I know...” Suddenly he felt light-headed all over again. He quickly followed Kazuma up the steps, trying to grab hold of him, “Um, really, though, you don’t have to answer right now-”

“No point in waiting. I know what I’m gonna say.” Kazuma looked back over his shoulder at him, just a touch of bashfulness now in his grin. “Let’s do it. We lost a lot of time... I want to get it back too. Besides,” he tilted his head, grin easing smoothing into a smirk, “I don’t want to walk in on your dead body one day because you couldn’t figure out how to feed yourself.”

“I’m not  _ that  _ bad.” ...Probably. He decided against pulling Kazuma to a stop, and focused on just catching up to him instead. “And you don’t have to worry about finding a job, I’ll handle that-”

“No way. If we’re gonna live together, then we’re gonna pay for it together, too.” He paused for a moment, as another thought hit, “Are you gonna wait until after you graduate to leave?”

“That... I haven’t decided yet,” Kazumi said, which then turned into a discussion on what that would mean, if a degree his family had pushed him towards was worth getting, or if practicality mattered more in this case. It wasn’t a conversation that was going to reach any clear end today, or tomorrow either. But the longer they talked, the better he understood the plans he’d have to make, and the more he could believe that this was all going to happen. He was going to have a future he actually wanted. They both were.


End file.
